As human beings we crave intimacy – we need to love, and be loved.

And it seems, we’re always searching for the just the right advice to make our relationships last. But the reality is that there is no perfect book, self-help guru or set of instructions for love.

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It's a continuing, evolving process. So here’s a tip sheet on how to build a strong relationship. It’s culled from the experiences of couples who have put them to the test, and found them useful.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it’s a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door.

We won't test you on them, but life will.

• Choose your partner wisely. Evaluate your potential partners as you would a friend – look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, and their relationships with others.
• Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.
• Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what you want and anger at your partner for not having met your (unstated) needs.
• View yourselves as a team. This means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team – your differences.
• Talk and explore, don't assume. If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask why he or she is doing it.
• Never go to sleep angry. Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, which leads partners to set up walls against one another and become strangers or enemies.
• Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness and self-disclosure. Talk about concerns, fears, sadness, as well as hopes and dreams.
• Never underestimate the power of good grooming.
• Learn to negotiate. Modern relationships no longer rely on traditional gender roles. Couples today create their own roles, so that virtually every act requires negotiation. It works best when good will prevails because your needs and life’s demands are fluid, and change over time. Good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time.
• Listen. Truly listen to your partner’s concerns and complaints without judgment. Most of the time, just having someone listen is all we need for solving problems. Plus it opens the door to confiding. And empathy is crucial. Look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.
• Take a long-range view. A marriage is an agreement to spend a future together. Check out your dreams with each other regularly to make sure you're both on the same path. Update your dreams regularly.
• Apologize. Repair attempts are crucial and key to marital happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, but be willing to make up after an argument. Remember every one makes mistakes.
• Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger.
• Maintain self-respect and self-esteem. It’s easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself. Research has shown that the more roles people fill, the more sources of self-esteem they have. Meaningful work – paid or volunteer – has long been one of the most important ways to exercise and build a sense of self.
• Enrich your relationship by bringing it new interests from outside the relationship. The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be. It's unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs in life.
• Understand that love is not absolute. It’s a feeling that ebbs and flows depending on how you treat each other. If you learn new ways to interact, the feelings can come flowing back, often stronger than before.

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