Q: I have been engaged twice before. Both men cheated on me; this made me angry because I was honest with them and I want to start a family ASAP. However, a married colleague at work made me feel sexy again. We started a relationship a year ago. (My second fiancé and I split since I realized that I could not trust him and felt guilty as well.) My lover’s wife threw him out; he moved in with me, and his wife filed for divorce. (His three young children like me.) I’ve discovered that he is flirting with others. He wants to marry me but I can’t control my jealousy. He declares that he has changed and I believe him. I deeply want us to make things work. Did I make the right decision?
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A: Whoa, girl. Are you looking for a sperm donor or a husband? Your haste to start
a family is already
leaving a body count. Raising kids is hard work (very much
worth it, but it takes a couple of decades to enjoy any return on investment).
You need to choose a partner who’s going to stick around and share the work.
Do you really think it’s an accident that you have such a perfect record for choosing cheaters? And being one? What ideas do you have about men, women, marriage and/or sexuality that make you gravitate toward this behavior?
Hooking up with a proven cheater is also guaranteed to give a vigorous workout to your already out-of-control jealousy. But dahlink, it’s not about him. Your letter contains some pretty clear clues (“he made me feel sexy,” “he wants to marry me,” “his children like me”) to the source of your jealousy –insecurity about your own lovability. This insecurity could be prompting you to declare eternal love to whomever pays attention to you. That seems to be your maximum criterion for a mate, when it should be the minimum. Is a potential partner nice? Loyal? Reliable? Can he hold a job? Can he keep his fly zipped? You must look within yourself and take steps to believe you are worthy of being loved and worthy of a partner who has such attributes, maybe even more.
Q: I am engaged to a wonderful man. We have known each other for many years but never got together until six months ago. This man loves me very much and the feelings are returned, but he has one flaw – jealousy. He can get very jealous over men who were in my life in the past. His jealousy is so strong that I cannot even be comfortable around other men I work with, or who are longtime friends or are in the family, and we both have large families. I am afraid of his tirades. Should I be scared? Should I ask that he seek counseling? Should I ask for an even longer engagement?
A: Yes to all of the above questions.
Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat – real or imagined – to a valued relationship. A little jealousy is reassuring and may even be programmed into us. It’s very common. A lot of jealousy is scary, and has driven people to some very dangerous behavior. There’s no reason to believe that jealousy will improve with time or marriage.
Jealousy is normal when it arises from a real threat to a relationship; say you have been seeing someone on the sly and there is time you can’t account for and times when you are not available to your fiancé. Delusional jealousy exists in the absence of any real or probable threat, as in your case.
Jealousy commonly reflects a weak sense of self and arises from fear of loss, fear of exclusion or feelings of humiliation, among others. It may, in fact, have its origins in some actual experience of loss your fiancé endured earlier in his life.
That doesn’t make it right or useful in a relationship. Your fiancé needs to gain some awareness of what is at the heart of his jealousy. Is it fear of loss? Is it a feeling of humiliation if you pay attention to another man? He needs to ask himself, what is the most painful thought associated with his jealousy.
Because jealousy goes right to the core of the self and its roots are deep, it is not something that can be banished by wishful thinking. This is a clear instance where a little counseling with an excellent therapist can make life better for both of you. It’s best to put off the wedding until then.
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