"You complete me."

As Tom Cruise declared his feelings for Renee Zellweger in "Jerry McGuire," he also summed up conventional wisdom concerning true love, which holds that an intimate couple thinks pretty much the same way about most things. You connect seamlessly — especially in bed. But according to the radical ideas of the marital and sex therapist David Schnarch, we've got it all backward.

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"Sex is inherently based on intimacy. The problem is that most people have a very misguided idea of what intimacy means," he says. "There's this idea that your partner is going to make you feel good and validate you."

Except that no one really has a relationship like that. What's more, says Schnarch, no one should. Sure, the you-complete-me stuff works fine in the beginning. It's even fun. Like two people cinched together for a three-legged race, there is satisfaction in getting in the groove of operating side-by-side with perfect fluidity.

But two people aren't going to agree on every move. And as they get tired of always accommodating the other, a lot of these three-legged relationships wind up in gridlock: Each partner is increasingly frustrated by the other's apparent unwillingness to get on the same page.

It's at this juncture, where the conflict between real intimacy and wishful thinking rears its head, that many of us notice the sex isn't what it used to be. But while we fear that this is the beginning of the end, Schnarch says that by forcing us to figure out who we are as individuals, it's often when things finally start to go right.

Real intimacy is frightening. It requires a kind of openness, honesty and self-respect that most of us aren't used to. But it's also more solid, because it's based on reality. "Ultimately, you get through gridlock and get to a place of more honest self-disclosure, where the focus is on being known, rather than being validated," he says. Best of all, the sex often becomes more relaxed, creative and connected. Literally and figuratively, no one's hiding in the dark anymore.

Learning the language of sex

When couples try to address their sexual problems, they often focus on mechanics: Viagra, lingerie, trying out new positions. But sex — even terrible sex — isn't engineering, says Schnarch. It's a language, and its topic of conversation is everything else happening in the relationship.

Often, sexual disconnect has a similar refrain: I can't show you who I really am. People's mistaken ideas about intimacy have made them overly reliant on a partner for their own sense of self. You demand that your partner approve of you, and you begin to count on him or her to reassure you that you're normal and that your feelings are valid.

This makes it difficult to be completely open or honest with each other anymore. One or both of you begins to feel suffocated, and the intense vulnerability of sexual passion that was so easy in the early days becomes impossible.

How sex makes grown-ups

Schnarch's way of thinking about the interdependence of sex and intimacy is a big shift from the traditional focus on anxiety as a primary cause of sexual difficulty. Problems in the bedroom are too often seen as distinct from the emotional struggles of the relationship.

But Schnarch — and a few other therapists — have developed an alternative view, one that puts partnership at the heart of sexuality and puts both sexuality and intimacy at the center of human development. Sexual difficulties are a kind of emotional Rorschach test that offers a glimpse into not just the dynamics of the relationship, but the continuing agenda of growing into a fully autonomous human being.

Schnarch's treatment usually involves intense four-day sessions, and doesn't lend itself to quick tips. All the same, there are basic behavioral shifts that he finds can benefit many unhappy couples. They all involve the same process: Each partner takes responsibility for his or her own emotions and learns to tolerate the idea that his or her partner is not a spiritual twin. That means no longer expecting a partner to validate you — so that he or she can admit that sometimes your ideas are half-baked, rather than always reassuring you that you're right.

You examine your own behavior and see what you expect others to do for you that you could be doing on your own — for example, learning to feel good about yourself without requiring someone else's praise and compliments.

But don't expect your partner to applaud when you tell the truth about yourself. Learn to lick your own wounds — it's not your partner's job to soothe you, it's yours.

Try to tell the truth for the right reason. Being honest doesn't mean being vindictive. "The idea is that you are telling each other the truth, even when it is difficult, out of caring and commitment, not because you're pissed off and want to carve each other up," he says.

The irony, says Schnarch, is that rather than increasing conflict between couples — as you would think might happen — emotional honesty has the opposite effect. The issue is no longer about what your partner does or doesn't do: You can accept that your partner, like all people, has his or her own limitations and failings. Instead, the focus shifts to you, and whether you're being a grown-up — or not.

The joys of adulthood

The Atlanta-based marital therapist Frank Pittman, author of a self-help book called "Grow Up: How Taking Responsibility Can Make You a Happy Adult," is one whose approach resembles Schnarch's. "What he's doing is teaching people the joys of adulthood," he says, "of the wonderful things that can happen in a relationship when you take responsibility for yourself, whether you've got your pants on at the moment or not."

The reward for all of this hard work, say Schnarch, Pittman and others, is a kind of intimacy that helps you be more of the person you want to be and supports an intense lifelong bond. In return you are seen, known and understood — truly — for who you are. And loved and desired, to boot. It's a rare thing, and perhaps the most powerful connection we can hope for.

With this outing of yourself, so to speak, comes a greater freedom in bed. You're no longer pretending. Schnarch considers the ability, for example, to look into your partner's eyes while engaged in a sexual act or in the midst of orgasm to be the height of intimacy. It's an act of mutual self-revelation that cannot be matched almost anywhere else in life. "Once people try it, they totally get what real intimacy is about," he says.

Does this mean that all sexual issues can be solved this way? Probably not. Growing up won't do a lot for a faulty blood vessel that's contributing to an erection problem. Or for the couple who are genuinely exhausted from chasing small children around all day.

But it maps out some promising new territory, where personal growth and existential concerns become as much a part of sexual therapy as do anxiety and pathology. Schnarch is creating a new way of thinking built on growth and possibilities. Making relationships, and sex, better. How could anyone not be fascinated by the potential?

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