Sharing fantasies involves a leap of faith in a relationship. You’re daring to show a side of yourself not normally seen. Carefully consider all of the following, because the two of you are going to be showing each other exactly what you’re made of, and such a journey together can be any – or all – of the following: exciting, stomach-churning, explosive, sensual, appetizing, disheartening, raw and unbelievable. Depending upon what your fantasies are about, e.g., they involve threesomes or someone in particular, like a best friend, they could be harmful to a relationship, especially if it is one that is lacking in security and trust.
Before you begin sharing your fantasies with your partner, you have to think about why you want to expose some of your deepest and most personal thoughts. Ask yourself these questions to help clarify what you hope to accomplish.
Do I want to share fantasies with my partner as a part of foreplay?
Do I want to use them to eroticize (safer) sex?
Do I want to act them out?
Do I want to share my fantasies as a way of communicating things about our lovemaking that I’d like to change?
All of the questions above are definitely things that need to be decided upon before you expose yourself.
While telling your partner about your fantasies can make your sex life better, help to maintain monogamy and bring the two of you closer together, consider that it might not always work that way. Studies have found that men and women feel that their partners' sexual fantasies are jealousy-provoking and could be signs of or symptomatic of unfaithfulness, especially if the partner is fantasizing about somebody who is considered a possible threat to the relationship.
Many who place strong emphasis on being emotionally and sexually faithful to their partners may find fantasy involving another pretty disturbing, if not completely unacceptable. Generally speaking, however, according to one major cross-cultural study worthy of note, both men and women respond fairly neutrally to the sexual fantasies of their partner, with women being bothered even less than men by their partners' sexual fantasies.
Hence, there are a number of things you should consider in not only deciding if you’ll tell your partner about your fantasies, but about which ones you’ll share. First, you have to decide if your partner can handle hearing about your fantasies. How does she or he feel about fantasies in general? What types of fantasies do you think they will be receptive to?
For instance, your partner may not want to hear about you being with someone of the same sex as you are. So be sensitive to things like that. Likewise, you have to think about whether you will be able to handle hearing your partner’s fantasies if she or he chooses to do a little bit of sharing as well.
Determine when you want to share your fantasies. For example, if you say you were just fantasizing about “doing” your partner’s boss right after you guys just had some of the best sex ever, your partner may not like what she or he is hearing and become jealous and distraught. Worse yet, every time you have an amazing, passionate romp in the sack, your partner might wonder if it’s because you were perhaps fantasizing about The Boss again and will not be able to shake those images out of their head. So timing in sharing is crucial.
Once you’ve considered all the implications and ramifications of sharing fantasies, if you decide to explore this, you might want to try some of the following:
For those fantasies that can be acted out, challenge each other – each making a list of your fantasies.
Share them, discover which ones please you both and go from there.
Either separately or jointly, write a sexy story about the two of you.
Come up with a bunch of crazy, sexual adventures that you may then just have to act out.
Take turns telling each other all of the different turn-ons or exotic things that come to your mind. This could lead to the two of you taking turns experimenting with the ideas you like and eroticizing your lovemaking by acting them out.
Regardless of which fantasies you feel safe sharing, start out slowly. Feel out what your partner thinks about the idea of using fantasy as a way to enhance your sex life. When your lover asks you what you had in mind, don’t throw out all of your wildest and kinkiest thoughts all at once. Those may come in time. Just remember, as sexual beings, people have many different types of fantasies – many different things that turn them on.
Noted sexologist Yvonne K. Fulbright holds multiple undergraduate degrees in psychology and sociology, as well as a master’s in Human Sexuality Education. Additionally, she is a candidate for a Ph.D. in International Community Health Studies. Her guest appearances and interviews include NBC’s Today show, Inside Edition, Naked New York, Maxim, Esquire, Playboy and Penthouse.
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