Natural and man-made disasters, such as Hurricane Katrina, the 9-11 attack and earthquakes, scar the psyches of both those who were immediately present and those who watched and waited for news.

These scars can be significant and pervasive. They affect a person’s sense of control and identity. They take a significant toll on physiology, as well as impact interpersonal relationships.

Someone is waiting for you. Search now>>

But how do you recognize and cope with these effects? According to the National Mental Health Association, a nonprofit organization of mental health professionals, 12 psychophysiological reactions generally accompany disasters:

• disbelief and shock;
• fear and anxiety about the future;
• disorientation, apathy and emotional numbing;
• irritability and anger;
• sadness and depression;
• feelings of powerlessness;
• extreme hunger or lack of appetite;
• difficulty making decisions;
• crying for no apparent reason;
• headaches and stomach problems;
• difficulty sleeping;
• excessive drinking or substance use.

Emotional responses to disasters aren’t always immediately apparent. Because each person will react differently with a range of responses, it’s important not to compare your reactions to others’. Most reactions decrease as time passes and your attention refocuses on daily activities. Despite the differences in personal reactions to the stress surrounding catastrophic events, these reactions tend to show themselves in predictable ways in your personal relationships.

Relationship aftereffects

Crises have the potential of bringing couples closer together by highlighting and reinforcing personal characteristics that speak to lasting relationship compatibility — commitment, selflessness, compassion, intimacy and strength of values. In fact, TRUE’s peer-reviewed research shows that finding agreement on how to handle stress and conflict is the most difficult issue a couple faces. Yet, couples who find agreement on this issue find the highest degree of relationship satisfaction.

Clinical psychologists note that couples have the potential to face seven relationship aftereffects of a crisis or disaster:

Intrusions. Emotional withdrawal from a loved one can occur when trauma survivors are preoccupied with intrusive memories or thoughts, which can make the affected person appear very self-absorbed. Intrusions can be misinterpreted by the unaffected partner as disinterest.

Avoidance. Withdrawal from a partner is typical during times of emotional intensity. Any intense feelings can bring up fears of loss of control. The trauma survivor may deal with these feelings through avoidance, which can be interpreted as rejection.

Arousability. It’s common for those around the traumatized person to walk on eggshells. Traumatized people are easily agitated because they are in a state of hypervigilance, which can cause irritability, explosive anger and sexual difficulties.

Sexual difficulties. Trauma often affects sexual intimacy in couples. People exposed to trauma can have performance anxiety, aggressive impulses or emotionality. If the trauma was of a sexual nature, the traumatized person can withdraw from — or be repulsed by — sex.

Guilt and shame. It’s common for survivors of trauma to feel guilt and shame, and believe they don’t deserve to enjoy life. They may have difficulty experiencing success or positive feelings. A parent-child dynamic can develop in which the unaffected partner plays the role of the carefree child and the trauma survivor the controlling parent. If the trauma occurred during the relationship, unaffected partners may experience guilt because they couldn’t prevent the event.

Irrational Responsibility. Survivors of trauma often feel an extreme sense of responsibility and believe that anything can go wrong if they’re not extremely careful. Trauma survivors may react by becoming either overly responsible or irresponsible. Their desire to protect loved ones from similar traumas may lead to a fear of any mistakes at all, which can cause rigid expectations or criticism.

Rigid gender roles. Sometimes in the aftermath of traumatic events, gender roles become polarized. Survivors may need an anchor for their identity because they feel the world has become unpredictable and unsafe. Rigidity in gender roles often leads people to mishandle the intense feelings brought up by trauma. Men may be angry and unwilling to express softer feelings toward achieving intimacy. Women may become dependent and very emotional.

Tips for couples

First and foremost, it’s crucial to understand that these feelings and behaviors are normal psychological responses to disasters. Often these aftereffects diminish naturally over time. However, there are some simple steps you can take to help minimize disruptive reactions:

• Talk about it. By talking with others, you relieve stress and realize that others share your feelings. Ask for time with your partner to discuss your feelings. Go somewhere private, where you feel safe, and take time to just talk. Talking with your partner exhibits trust, intimacy and affection. These feelings are crucial to express during a time of crisis.
• Get plenty of rest and exercise. Remember to eat well. Avoid excessive drinking and risk-taking activities. Neglecting your health exacerbates psychological and physical reactions to stress and crisis.
• Spend time with your partner, family or other social support system. Don’t withdraw; seek out all the healthy connections available to you. If you have children, encourage them to discuss their concerns and feelings with you. Support systems can help you gain and maintain proper perspective and set realistic expectations for yourself and others during a time of crisis.
• Maintain a schedule. As soon as it feels comfortable, go back to your normal routine. There is scientific support to show that acting like you’re not depressed will make you feel less depressed.
• Be proactive with stress reduction. Do things that you find relaxing and soothing, preferably with your partner. Even walking or jogging for an hour every day will help.
• Learn from the past. Think about a time in the past when you experienced strong emotions and draw on the strength you exhibited then.
• Gain a sense of control. Do something positive to help you and your partner gain a greater sense of control. Give blood, take a first-aid class or donate food or clothing. If you have children, include them in these activities when appropriate and feasible.
• Ask for help. If you or your partner feel overwhelmed by the disaster, ask for help. It’s not a sign of weakness. You can talk with a trusted relative, friend, social worker, or clergy member, or you can seek out professional assistance in your local area right now through Psychology Today’s free online Therapist Directory.

Tips for single parents

Single parents in romantic relationships face additional challenges. Disasters strongly affect children’s sense of security. Helping children cope with their losses will be crucial in enabling them to resume their lives more fully at home and school.

Children deal with crisis in many different ways, and not necessarily in the same manner as adults. Don’t push children to talk about their feelings. Just like adults, children need time to grieve. Let them know you are ready to listen, and provide reassurance and validation of their feelings when they express them. Keep in mind that you don’t have to fix how the child feels. Simply strive to be a good listener and supporter. Here’s how:

• Make time to comfort and reassure your children. The stress of coping with adversity can be distracting for adults. But, just a moment of your time, a gentle hug or a reassuring word may be all children need to feel safer and more secure in an emotional situation.
• Speak simply and honestly about the situation. Explain to your children what is happening to your family. Use simple words they can understand. Be honest. Experts recommend not sugar-coating a grim situation or exaggerating. Keep children informed of a problem that will directly affect them.
• Help young children understand the disaster. Like adults, children are predictably frightened by things they don’t understand. You can explain how tornados, storms and hurricanes are formed, and how these are unusual but natural patterns of weather. Children should know that they weren’t responsible for causing a disaster, and that disasters are not some kind of punishment for something they did.
• Maintain routines or rituals of comfort. Dinnertime at the kitchen table, a bedtime story, an afternoon nap or a favorite teddy at bedtime may provide younger children with a sense of security. Older children have their own routines and favorite activities as well. Maintaining some routine during disruptive times can provide children with a sense of stability and control.
• Take time to calm yourself. Take a brief break from the crisis. Take a two-minute walk to cool off and calm down. Try for just a few moments to relax mentally. You will be able to provide more support to your family if you do.

If you have intense feelings that won’t go away, or if you are troubled for longer than four to six weeks after a disaster, you may benefit from talking to a professional therapist. Help is available.

What makes you tick?

Find singles who really click with you! Take our free TRUE Personality test! What kind of personality are you? Do you tend to take charge or would you rather go with the flow? Are you an open book or are you shrouded in mystery? Understanding what makes you tick can help you find that magical click with others. Take TRUE Personality now!