Q: The men I end up with always start out to be the affectionate, loving types, but after three months they change. When I start to show my feelings and start caring, they act like they don't care anymore, until I try to leave. Then, they do and say anything to keep me. Is this some game or what?

A: First, it sounds like you tend to go for a certain type of guy. Consider opening yourself up to dating other types of men. The ones you describe might be your type on a raw physical or sexual level, but your experiences suggest that they do not have the right stuff on more important levels.

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The guys you describe appear to be either players or men who are indecisive because of a fear of commitment. Maybe they’re both.

Sometimes players or womanizers are easy to spot, but sometimes they’re not. All players use manipulation, but it’s the kind of manipulation that feels good rather than bad, so we don’t realize we’re giving up control in a relationship.

Warning signs of manipulation include quick attachment and expression of affection, fostering dependency by luring you from engaging in outside interests or activities to monopolize your time, and constantly showering you with gifts, praise or empty promises. Don’t assume such people will change or that you can change them.

On the other hand, some men are simply anxious about long-term relationships.

Fear of commitment is normal for both men and women. However, it’s a myth that men are generally stricken with a paralyzing fear of commitment. TRUE's research shows that fear of commitment is related more to age than to gender.

The typical themes bombarding a man with a fear of commitment include:

• Fear of being hurt.
• Fear of trusting another person.
• Fear of not finding a soul mate.
• Fear related to relationship performance, as in pleasing the other person, meeting expectations, and not letting the other person down.
• Fear of sacrifice. They might be afraid of relinquishing their identity and independence.

It’s safe to assume the fear of commitment is really a series of different fears that men experience. What comes across as hurtful game-playing or indecision from a man may actually be triggered by his other fears.

Consider all of these possibilities the next time you’re experiencing the cycle you described, and then talk to your man candidly about it. His reactions and comments will likely clue you in on what the problem is in a given case.

Q: I was emailing a guy regularly and things seemed to be going very well. He was on My Compatibles list, and something about him caught my attention right away. He travels a lot for work, and it seemed I would hear from him all the time when he was away at one location or another. But I haven't heard from him for a week! Am I being to anxious about not hearing from him or should I just move on?

A: We're so sorry this is happening to you. What makes situations like yours so hard is the uncertainty.

Humans are programmed to seek out and establish certainty in their environment. We become extra anxious whenever we face ambiguity.

Having said that, a week is a long time, but since he travels frequently it might well be that his lifestyle is temporarily preventing him from contacting you. It sounds like you are committed to exploring the potential of this relationship, so have some patience.

But how have you two maintained contact – instant message, email or phone?

If you have been communicating frequently, then possibly your conversations have advanced to telephone calls. If they haven’t, then that might be a red flag.

It would definitely be a red flag if he is the one who insists on only calling you. That might mean he's in another relationship. You might consider calling him and emailing him with a message of concern and puzzlement.

Ask him to contact you. See if he can explain his absence or tell you how you can help if he’s facing a personal or professional crisis. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps you've misunderstood his schedule. End the call and email by telling him that you expect to hear from him within a week.

If he doesn’t contact you with a suitable explanation, you have your answer as to whether you should move on. Then feel free to explore your other compatibles and take what you learned from this relationship and apply it to the next.

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