So why doesn’t he say it to me? It’s really frustrating. I haven’t talked to him about it, but I’ve gotten really upset about it on a couple occasions. What’s going on?

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A: Two things seem to be going on. First, you might be experiencing some unrealistic expectations. You referred to your partner as truly the perfect man for me, yet you also describe behavior that doesn’t seem to suggest all things are indeed perfect – such as him never saying he loves you. We must have standards for a partner, but they shouldn’t be idealized.

Soul mates are never perfect. Even the strongest relationships involve some give and take. You might be demonstrating black-and-white thinking, which is not uncommon in women because they tolerate less ambiguity then men. Seeing things this way has advantages in some situations and disadvantages in others.

In your situation, you should honestly ask yourself if he truly never expresses his feelings, or is it more the case that he simply just does not say the words “I love you” enough for your personal taste and expectations.

The second issue might be involved differing communication styles between men and women. In healthy relationships, men might not say “I love you” because they sometimes feel their actions speak louder than words or they feel some discomfort verbally expressing love due to their upbringing. It’s important to understand that actions and words go together because they reinforce each other.

However, in unhealthy relationships, arguing over how many times he says this phrase is a sure sign that there are deeper issues in the relationship – most likely it’s a control issue.

While it’s a control tactic for women to insist that men express themself through these specific words, it’s also a power play for men to withhold precisely the phrase that means so much to women. Each party is guilty of putting the individual agenda first, before the needs of the other person and the relationship as a whole.

Whatever “I love you” symbolizes for you needs to be expressed and discussed. His interpretation also needs to be discussed. Chances are good that your two expectations are not the same, and both of you are worried about the implications of the presence or absence of these words in terms of emotional involvement and long-term commitment.

Women would do well to acknowledge and appreciate other ways their partners express love and devotion. As action-oriented beings, men naturally show their love by doing things for their partners. This form of expression is just as valid.

• The first step is for you to ease your frustration by talking openly about your concerns with him. It sounds like you have been hesitant to do this because you are afraid he might say he does not love you.

Remember relationships are risk-taking ventures. It’s better to know the status of your relationship then to assume what it is and then have the both of you experience unspoken, but crippling tension. When you talk to him remember to not sound like you are blaming him. Rather, simply try to understand some of his behaviors that confuse you, and make sure those sentiments come across.

• The second step for you is to put aside any idealized standards of your partner that you might have and then thoughtfully listen to what he has to say. Lasting relationships are built over time; they are not instantly made via a soul mate connection. Keep that in mind and enjoy the process of building a relationship with your partner.

Q: I'm 19 and live in a small town. I've only had one boyfriend before, but that’s when I was 13. Why can't I find a boyfriend that I can spend the rest of my life with? I want to be in love like everyone else too!

A: Thanks for the question! Of course you want to find love, but you may be heading for a trap. You seem to have the mindset of being in love with the idea of being in love. You’re young, have limited experience with adult relationships, and probably haven’t played the field long or well enough to know what it is that you want and need in a partner.

Choosing a mate is one of the most important decisions of your life – so don’t rush any aspect of it. Being in love isn’t the same as settling down. Everyone who’s in love has not necessarily found the person with whom they will spend their lives with. There are some people who have made life-long commitments to people they don’t love.

Allow love to happen, don’t force it. Forcing emotions and relationships will not make you happy and fulfilled – that’s how bad decisions are made.

The best advice we can give you is to enjoy being single and grow as a person. Establish and nurture your own stability and identity. Then, I think you’ll find love, and the right person will come along in time.