Picture this: It's your wedding day. You hear the music. Your bride is walking toward you downthe aisle. But on the happiest day of your life, you get a cold feeling that you're not ready to commit – just not yet – to one person. Or are you the runaway bride that just can't make up her mind.
It may not actually come down to saying "I don't" instead of "I do," but virtually every one of us has had some kind fear of commitment at one time or another.
What is fear of commitment?
Psychologists have many names for fear of commitment: fear of intimacy, commitment phobia, fear of dependency or, more broadly, "intimacy issues."
In the end, all these labels are describing the same general behavior – a fear of becoming too emotionally invested in a relationship and making oneself vulnerable to being emotionally scarred.
TRUE's research reveals
that the typical themes that bombard someone with fear of commitment follow a chain.
That chain looks like this:
Fear of being hurt
Fear of trusting another
Fear of not finding your "soul mate" — a person who is nearly perfect. Basically, this amounts to a fear of interpersonal conflict.
Fear related to relationship performance — pleasing the other person, meeting his or her expectations and not letting him or her down.
Fear of sacrifice — relinquishing one's identity and independence.
So, fear of commitment seems to begin in everyone with the fear of being hurt — and the last and most extreme apprehension involves the fear of sacrifice. Fear of commitment is really a series of different fears that a person can experience in sequence or simultaneously.
Take the quiz above to learn where you are on the chain and improve your relationships.
Understanding it
We all have innate needs, like thirst and hunger. And we all also need to feel loved and accepted by important people in our lives. So, what's the problem? Why are so many of us afraid to commit?
The first step toward understanding fear of commitment is understanding that it's a complex issue; it has its roots in a person's early upbringing with his or her caregiver, early relationships with peers and romantic partners, and even society.
Becoming committed and intimate with a partner requires that both people overcome their anxiety and communicate with one another. Failing to do so allows the fear of commitment and lack of intimacy to remain.
Life is full of risks — and relationships are no different. What makes it so difficult is that our romantic relationships open us up to feeling vulnerable and weak. Then, because of all that we have invested in that relationship, it can be traumatic for us when the romance is gone.
And the thought of starting over and rebuilding a relationship can be unattractive, if not downright daunting.
And starting over is not easy. It takes self-confidence, courage, optimism and self-acceptance. Not everyone
possesses these qualities, and some who do still find that it takes time before enough confidence is achieved to start a new relationship.
Our ability to open up to people close to us and feel comfortable committing to them is affected by a host of factors, which include:
How we were treated as a child has profound effects on how comfortable and secure we feel getting close to others. For example, children who were raised by warm and accepting caregivers tend to feel much more comfortable getting intimate and close to their romantic partners later in life.
How our parents interacted and treated one another serves as a model of how we're likely to communicate with and behave toward our romantic partners. People who grew up with parents who were emotionally distant or argumentative tend to express their emotions and develop communication styles that are similar to the styles they observed by their parents.
Previous romantic relationships can also shape our behavior and expectations for future relationships. For instance, a person who was in a very intense relationship with someone who was verbally abusive could develop a distorted perception about what to expect in a relationship, and what signs indicate whether a person is attracted to them.
Society also shapes the extent to which we might feel comfortable opening up. For example, many male heroes in movies, television and novels are usually portrayed as emotionally distant and independent.
Dispensing with the myth that it's a 'guy thing'
Facts about Fear of Commitment
Peole who are engaged, followed by married couples, show the greatest commitment to their partners. People living apart show the least commitment.
People who are low in fear of commitment recognize that relationships take work. They are usually willing to do whatever is necessary to work out their problems.
People who are very high in fear of commitment view serious relationships as requiring them to relinquish their freedom and independence.
One myth about fear of commitment is that it is very common among men.
Of course, there's an element of truth to this, however research on fear of commitment shows that this gender effect is not very strong.
It's not necessarily true that men are more fearful of commitment than women. The sexes are closer to being equal than you might think!
Recent research suggests that age is a better indicator. A soon-to-be-published article in"Psychological Reports" (authored by TRUE's psychologists), shows that readiness to commit increases with age.
That is, the older a person is, the less fear of commitment they report. Those between 35- and 59-years-old report the least fear of commitment.
People under the age of 35 report a higher fear of commitment, probably because they are not ready to settle down and start a family. They tend to want to enjoy living their exciting single lives as long as they can.
Surprisingly, this trend also holds for those people more than 60 years of age! At these later ages, commitment-readiness sharply decreases. There are likely to be many reasons for this, but talk on the street is that “60” is the new “30.” Accordingly, people later in life might well want to play the field and enjoy the independence and excitement of single life rather than be tied to a restrictive set of responsibilities associated with an exclusive relationship.
Are you afraid?
Research on fear of commitment suggests that there are at least four different types of people with fear of commitment issues:
Some people tend to engage in relationships with people whom they are very incompatible with. These types of relationships always fail and serve to confirm the person's expectations that commitment is unattainable. In other words, these people sometimes select romantic partners who will reinforce their fear of becoming too close to them.
Other people tend to go back and forth with the same partner. One month they're together, the next month they're apart, the next month, together, the next they're apart, etc. This can going on for a very long time and allows people to carry on in a relationship without feeling committed. It's their way of avoiding commitment.
Other people are too idealistic. They're always in search of Mr. or Ms. Right. Unfortunately, "right" is equated with "perfect." Usually, people like this have exceedingly high standards for their partners. They have to be attractive, intelligent, physically fit, have a good sense of humor, be financially stable, have loving parents, a nice car, etc. etc. Anyone who fails to meet only one of those criteria is dropped.
Finally, there are people who find partners who are good matches, but then they pick them apart. The person is not attractive enough, they are too tall, they like heavy metal music, etc. No matter what the potential mate 's strengths are, people like this are able to dissect them to the point that they are no longer desirable.
For each of these types of people, the purpose is always to avoid becoming committed or intimate.
How to overcome fear of commitment
We all have an internal voice or dialogue running through our heads. This dialogue can take many different forms, but usually it's a conversation we're having with ourselves about how we're feeling, thinking or behaving.
In romantic relationships, this internal voice may be attacking and criticizing ourselves or our partners. When this happens, and people don't express or share their thoughts and feelings with their partner, communication breaks down, and commitment fears only intensify. Unless these thoughts are expressed to your partner, the relationship can only develop so far.
In just a few easy steps, you can turn off the critical thoughts that are reinforcing your fear of commitment.
First, think about the types of things that really bother you. Write them down and see what kind of major themes your fears have. That way you'll be able to gain a much clearer understanding of the problem.
Don't share them with your partner right away. You should also try to understand why you might have such negative reactions to your partner.
Once you've gained some insight into your feelings, talk about them with a friend. Doing so could help you gauge how realistic your thoughts may be.
If after articulating your feelings and discussing them with a friend, you feel as though your thoughts and feelings are worth discussing with your partner, do so, but very carefully.
Gently expressing yourself to your partner and sharing some insight as to why you feel the way you do should help your partner develop a better understanding of you and improve communication in the relationship.
Learn more now
Don't forget to take the fear of commitment quiz above to learn how you can improve your relationship. For more expert tips on building a great relationship click here.
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