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An old friend told TRUE this story: For two years in a row, she took her young son trick-or-treating with his best friend. Her son was prime Halloween age – 8 years old. As a remarried divorced parent, she had some juggling to do: The Halloween rounds were made with the mother, her ex-husband, her current husband and the son. They were joined by the son's best friend, his father and the father's youngish girlfriend.

Both years, about halfway through trick-or-treating, the best friend's mother showed up, and she and the father handed their son off without speaking to one another. The father and the girlfriend left, and the trick-or-treaters completed their rounds with the new parent.

Trick-or-Treat Meets Show-and-Tell What your Halloween costume says about your personality. continue >>

Meanwhile, the remarried mother, with current and ex-husband kept bounding down the block with the kids. It wasn't that her two husbands were best pals: They'd just decided to grit their teeth and put the kid first.

What's the moral of this story? There are different ways to put the needs of children first on kid-centric holidays, and what is right varies from family to family. Halloween is a special time for kids to play and build wonderful childhood memories. If you can trick-or-treat together without fighting, then go as a family (however oddly assorted). But if trick-or-treating as a family would bring arguments and public fights, then splitting the time between parents is a good option: The child of divorce isn't forced to listen to parents argue on a night where fun should rule.

Each method can be a positive way to put children first, depending on a family's situation.

Professor Cynthia A. Freeland of the University of Houston published a survey that found that 77 percent of respondents allow their children to go trick-or-treating and that 87 percent of respondents enjoy seeing the children in their costumes. This Halloween, TRUE's Department of Psychology recommends these five steps to help ensure that the focus of the holiday remains on the kids.

STEP 1
Respect the mother/father of your child. This person is part of your child, and your child feels love and loyalty to this person just the same as your child feels those things toward you. In most cases, the relationship between you and your ex should be independent and insulated from the relationship between your ex and your child. Nurturing that relationship will help your child become a well-adjusted adult. Your first priority as a parent is the well-being of your child in areas of his/her development.

STEP 2
Remember that Halloween and other kid holidays are about the child – not you and your ex. Take this opportunity to give your child wonderful memories of the yearly event and especially fond memories of time with you.

STEP 3
Keep that respect foremost in your mind during holiday interactions. Remember that by putting the kids first, the focus now changes to you and your ex working as a team to build priceless parental memories. It'll take you both to raise a well-adjusted child. You're not lovers, but you're certainly a team working on the most important goal in your life – the well-being of your child. Be polite and supportive of your ex in the role of parent – in front of your child and even when the child is absent.

STEP 4
Reinforce great memories for the child. At the end of trick-or-treating or other holiday activities, ask your children what their favorite part of this year's event was. By sharing in your child's account, you're actually helping to amplify and solidify positive memories in your child's mind. It also helps do the same for you.

STEP 5
Thank your ex. Reinforce helpful and supportive actions on the part of your ex by thanking him or her. Maybe your ex reduced your stress preparing for the holiday, gave you great ideas for making the event more special, or maybe reduced your stress by acknowledging and encouraging your role in that holiday. Team members congratulate and support one another – act like a team member.

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