Karin Bruckner is a single-parent expert, author, instructor, researcher and licensed psychotherapist with an expertise in such key areas as family and marital conflict, divorce and blended family issues, adolescent issues, anger management and women's issues.

Dear Karin,
I have been telling my 16-year-old daughter not to drink or use drugs. Last weekend when my boyfriend dropped me off, he’d clearly had a few and she knew it. What can I say to her?

Name withheld by request

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First of all, don't even think about not bringing this up with your daughter — it's a required conversation at this point! However, I recommend that you say very little at first, and instead concentrate on asking and listening. Open by wondering if she noticed your boyfriend's intoxication. Did she see it right away or did it dawn on her slowly? Was she surprised? These kinds of innocuous questions invite her to share her feelings, because they touch on the surface of the incident and therefore aren't too threatening or intimidating.

Chances are, since she is 16, she'll respond that she caught on right away (of course!) and was not in the least surprised (geesh, Mom!), no matter how shocking a scene it actually was for her. This would be a good time to ignore her flippancy and make a few encouraging noises to see if she goes on to share her real feelings about the event.

That's your goal here, because after you understand her perspective you will know how to talk with her about what happened. She might treat the incident casually and see nothing wrong with your boyfriend's behavior. This gives you a clue as to where her comfort level is on alcohol and other drugs, and how much she'll tolerate her own friends' intoxication. You then can initiate a discussion on substance use, safety and personal values. If, on the other hand, she's indignant and critical, she might be worried about your boyfriend's drinking and its impact on you and the family. You can assure her that this was an isolated incident (if that's the case), or acknowledge her concerns if his lapse is representative of a deeper problem.

It's important to avoid going into your own personal experience here - she doesn't need to know how you, as a girlfriend, agonize over your man's unacceptable behavior (it is not appropriate for him to drink and drive, or to display his intoxication in front of your children). She does need you, as Mom, to clearly label his actions as inappropriate and to draw a firm line between what is safe and respectful, and what is not.

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Dear Karin,
I am recently separated. My 4-year-old son has started having full-blown temper tantrums and my 9-year-old daughter is now spending most of her time at home alone in her room. Are these normal ways for kids to handle everything, or do I need to do something?

Name withheld by request

Yes, and yes! Yes, these are normal reactions to the stress your children are going through right now, and yes, there are definitely actions you can take to help ease their pain.

Your son's temper tantrums could be an indication he's experiencing emotional overload right now and needs to release some steam. While kicking and screaming might work well for him, it's just not acceptable behavior in most situations. Help him find healthy new ways of expressing his anger and hurt by using energy-releasing activities that are safe and respectful of others. Some alternatives might be kicking around a pillow-stuffed backpack, pounding nails into a board or running around the backyard at top speed for a few minutes. Any of these can help him relieve pent-up emotion without hurting himself or anyone else, and without destroying property in the process.

Your daughter's increasing isolation might very well be related to the latest developments in your marriage. However, understand that most kids begin to distance themselves from their parents as they near adolescence, so chances are she would be keeping to herself more as she grows older, even if you and your husband were still together. Take into consideration whether she's maintaining contact with her friends, continuing to show interest in her hobbies and extracurricular activities, and functioning well at school. These are all signs she is coping well, despite hiding out in her room. Dropping out of clubs and quitting teams, ignoring calls from friends and unexpectedly failing in school indicate something more serious could be going on inside her. In this case, assessment by a professional therapist would be a good next step.

In addition, it's important to check in with her on an ongoing basis so you can get an idea of how sad, angry, depressed, etc. she is feeling and monitor any significant change as the weeks go by. This will involve more than knocking on her door and asking how things are going. Try going to lunch together, just the two of you, or arrange for a longish car trip so you'll have the opportunity to relax together and explore her ups and downs in detail!

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