Karin Bruckner is a single-parent expert, author, instructor, researcher and licensed psychotherapist with an expertise in such key areas as family and marital conflict, divorce and blended family issues, adolescent issues, anger management and women's issues.

Dear Karin:

I am a single mom with a 10-year-old son. The guy I'm dating has started including my son on some of our dates – he'll take us all out to dinner or to the zoo, for example. I'm not used to anyone else disciplining my child, and while I know my new beau means well, he has verbally reprimanded my son a couple times and his whole approach is different than mine. How do I broach the subject of "how and when to reprimand my child" without totally scaring my boyfriend away?

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This is a tough tightrope to walk, even in the closest of romances! But there’s no reason to stress as long as you create space in your new relationship for healthy differences of opinion. You and your date will naturally see your son’s behavior from very different perspectives. You don’t have to agree on disciplinary matters, but it is important to listen with an open mind and an empathetic heart.

It’s probably too soon for your date to be imposing his will over your child – he needs to sit back, watch, and learn how your son operates for a little while before taking a more active role. During this time, make sure you don’t ignore or rationalize away any disrespectful or annoying behavior on the part of your son.

Doing so would put your date in an impossible position. And recognize that as a new person on the scene, your beau may bring an objective and refreshing perspective on discipline problems that have had you stuck for awhile. You may want to seriously consider the alternatives he suggests.

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Once you are ready to include the new man in your life in decisions about your child’s discipline, be sure you and your partner talk candidly about the issue when your son is not present. Learn your date’s expectations, the specific reasons behind his reprimands, and how he sees his role in your family. Then fill him in on your views of the same. Look for areas of agreement and take time to acknowledge them as you move to negotiate your differences.

In general, the two of you will (hopefully) be coming from positions of equal power when you work to resolve a conflict. When it comes to your son, however, you get to claim a home-court advantage. Your rich history with your son has taught you which approaches work better with him and where he’s at developmentally. It’s really in the boy’s best interest for you to be in charge of discipline at this point.

Handling all the discipline yourself does put you in the middle between the two guys in your life. That’s not a fun place to be, nor a healthy one if it goes on too long. But it also means you are in the position of determining how and when your son will be disciplined until your date becomes familiar with your parenting style. Once he’s gotten to know your son a bit better and won his trust, your date can begin to handle discipline on his own.

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