For children, back to school means the waxy smell of crayons and the wonder of a new grade.

But, for single parents, it can be a scheduling nightmare.

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For once-wed single parents, divorce can be just as hard as marriage without any of the benefits. Couples who couldn't find a way to agree in marriage find themselves in a burlesque of divorce: Negotiation, not separation, becomes the byword of the day.

It's true that divorced parents with sole custody have their own burdens – all of the worry, none of the help. But scheduling in shared-custody parenting requires the finesse of a good sushi chef – the razor-sharp ability to separate ego from event and ignominy from issue. It's just a separate ball game – a singular universe of frustration, fanaticism and folly. The one thought that keeps you going is that it's all for your children.

First you and your ex have to agree on the selection of programs and activities, of daycare and sports. Then the scheduling fun begins:

• Morning drop-off
• After-school pickup or pickup from after-school program
• Sports practice
• Sports events
• Music / dance / fine arts lessons
• Religious programs
• Other extracurricular activities

If one of you is a stay-at-home parent, then you're home
free – except that parent will moonlight as chauffeur and social secretary for someone who stands no higher than your shoulder. But if both parents work, then it becomes a discussion about which one of you can arrange their work schedule around each event.

One school of divorce dictates that parents should accept sole responsibility for their individual custody days. While this is fine in theory, it can prove impractical. Either your child is in school and daycare for more than eight hours – expensive both emotionally and financially – or you cut back your work schedule – also expensive.

Another way to look at scheduling is as an art form: You and your ex can agree to share the pain to minimize it. You are, after all, still a family. You're just a family with a divorce.

Try these steps:

• Lay out all the desired schedules on a master calendar. This includes everything you'd like to see Junior be able to do during the year – soccer, baseball, ballet, etc. – and everything that you need to consider for your work schedules. Include your regularly scheduled custody days.
• Identify possible areas of help. Do you have friends in the same situation who might want to share carpool, child-care costs or responsibilities? Do you have an in-town relative who could help? Can you afford a private nanny?
• Are there any plans that can be carried over from the previous year? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
• Agree on a date to meet to negotiate.
• Agree on a common goal: A good baseline is to make sure that your child is dropped off and picked up on time.
• Go into the scheduling session with your events categorized as negotiable or non-negotiable / flexible or inflexible. For example – if you run your morning meeting at work, your mornings might not be negotiable. But if you control the meeting time, perhaps there's flexibility in its scheduling. Pediatrician appoints are flexible – you can usually call for a different appointment. First days of school are inflexible – you have no control.
• Begin by working out an average week: Who will do basic drop-off and pickup each day? Then add in extracurriculars, one at a time. If some need to be cut, cut them. While children benefit from extra activities, participation shouldn't come at the expense of family peace.
• When a disagreement occurs, sideline it onto a list. Then after you complete the first round of scheduling, revisit that list, understanding that each of you will give up some ground. Agree on this before you start scheduling.

Questions to consider:

• Does either parent travel for work? What will you do if a trip comes up unexpectedly?
• What will you do if one has a work emergency, requiring extra hours?
• Do either of you have any flexibility in your work schedule? Could you volunteer to work a different shift or different days in order to accommodate your family's schedules?
• What will you do if a child suddenly becomes sick?

With common goals and careful planning, the new school year can be a good one for your entire family. Divorce-dented egos can be bypassed, so that nobody feels cheated or put-upon.

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