Is a happy marriage a lost art?

Not according to Robert and Diane Frets.

So what’s the secret to their success? Two things: mutual respect and having the avenue for open communication. The other component that has created a solid foundation for their union is plain and simple: commitment. “It was the concept from the very beginning,” she said. Find out how they met and how they’ve nurtured each other – and their marriage – for more than 30 years.

Profile

Couple: Diane (“DeeDee” to friends and family) and Robert Frets
Years married: 32
Children: Daughter, Addie, 26
B.S. from Texas Lutheran University
Masters in Marine Biology from Texas A&M, Corpus Christi, Texas
Married to Bryan Reed, Lieutenant in the Navy, Flight Instructor
Son, Rob, 21, at Texas State University in San Marcos, Texas

Snapshot

DeeDee
A wordsmith – a degree in Journalism from the University of Texas
Favorite dessert: crème brulee
Not a very good poker face
Named her daughter Addie Lynn in tribute to her mother, Adeline, and Robert’s father, Lynn

Robert
General Practitioner – specialty in Geriatric Medicine
Wore a knit ski cap to bed for years to try to flatten out his curly hair
Hates liver
Master SCUBA diver
Former city boy turned bona fide rancher

The Story

1969. The University of Texas, Austin. It was their second date. But when DeeDee Scull’s date, Robert, stepped out of his car to meet her, she didn’t recognize him.

“I nearly fell on the sidewalk laughing,” she said.

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Seems that Robert had these very soft, light brown curls – curls that he despised. And had gone to a stylist to have these lovely curls straightened, and straight it was. The surfer look was in, all the rage. To achieve this hot look, he had slicked it down and combed it all over to one side

“It was as straight as a stick,” she said. He had even burned his scalp and had scabs on the top of his head that she could see through his part. She said, “I think he was trying to impress me.”

And impress her he did: they’ve been happily married for 32 years. But like all marriages, they, too, have had their challenges. Life, love, marriage, is just like this.

Like the time Robert was in his residency. DeeDee was routinely left alone in a 500-square foot apartment with a newborn to care for. Robert was getting three hours of sleep for every 48-hour shift; so on the rare occasion when the two were together for dinner, she would find Robert literally asleep at the table.

During this time – the most difficult, irritating and trying time of her marriage to Robert – she never even entertained the notion of leaving her husband.

“I was very upset by our situation – his work hours,” she said, “but never mentioned the word ‘divorce’ to him. It just never came up.”

So what’s the secret to their success? Two things: mutual respect and having the avenue for open communication. What this means to DeeDee is that when you are bothered, you can feel free to express whatever it is that is troubling you. And your partner can really hear you, and not be threatened. That both partners are open to communication and problem-solving.

For instance, DeeDee is quite casual about showing up late for planned group activities. For her husband Robert, this was a hot button – one of his pet peeves.

“Before, I was confused about why he was so upset about something that seemed so trivial,” she said. “When I understood it wasn’t trivial to him, his anger had a context. Now, whenever Robert is involved, I arrive a few minutes early. Otherwise, I continue to arrive 10, or 20 or even 30 minutes fashionably late.”

The other component that has created a solid foundation for their union is plain and simple: commitment.

“It was the concept from the very beginning,” she said.

DeeDee said that if she had to do it over again, during that one turbulent time of Robert’s residency, she would have included him more in the decisions regarding the care of the children so he wouldn’t have felt so neglected.

“He was totally left out of the loop. I mistakenly thought I was being helpful by not bothering him with the details of the children’s care, because his practice was so demanding,” she said. Now she knows that for him, nurturing the children was something he would have liked to have been more involved with and would have adjusted somewhere else to include that in his schedule. “If I had it to do over again, I would have gotten him more involved. Fortunately, it didn’t create a problem for our intimacy – but rather an opportunity for us to learn yet another aspect of how each of us thought we were helping the other only to realize our own contexts were not that of our partner’s and an erroneous assumption.”

The birth of their second child, Rob, came right on the heels of Robert beginning his own practice. And this precipitating event is what led to DeeDee emerging as the primary caregiver and decision-maker.

During this time, DeeDee said she looked at their troubles as though they were “a ship” and encountering “a mere storm…this too will pass, however turbulent it might seem now. Let’s look at how can we get through this and steer clear of disastrous winds.”

What separates their relationship from most relationships today was the fact that they didn’t get physically involved until they got married. And even after they had dated a year, she still said, “no” to having sex.

“We didn’t have access to good birth control back then. You had to get your parents’ permission,” she said. “Also, my parents taught me the value of waiting for something you desire. This is the antithesis of the Instant Gratification Me Society that we live in now.” Her parents were adamant that she and Robert should not get sexually involved prior to marriage. This delay in physicality, she said, allowed them time to become friends, famous…fast…best…friends – friends who sexually desired one another and respected one another enough to wait.

Over the years, what has also held DeeDee and Robert together has been the comfort that has evolved between them.

“We can count on each other,” she said.

But that’s not all. Their shared interests and common passions have reinforced their love and created a history between them.

For instance, scuba diving. DeeDee had always wanted to learn. Robert was less than enthused. Truth was, he had no interest. But wanting to please DeeDee and being open-minded enough to try something that interested her, he enrolled them in scuba-diving class at the local YMCA.

But, oh, how things changed.

“Now he’s the one to dive several times a day,” she said.

Then there was the incident when they were diving off the coast of Isle Mujeres, an island off the coast of Cancun, Mexico. Robert, being the authoritative, courageous, valiant man that he is, had found this young man fishing, and had asked that he take them and drop them for a dive into some uncharted waters. He was questing for an adventure. And an adventure he got – one he wasn’t quite so prepared for.

When Robert and the fisherman arrived at the secluded spot, the waters glistened and beckoned. The young man dropped Robert over the side with a float and a 70-foot line. As Robert was descending, along it came: a glass-bottom boat full of sightseers. With giant, menacing propellers.

And it was then that the adventure turned serious: Robert’s rope got caught in the propellers. When scuba diving, coming up in the water too quickly can be life- threatening, because nitrogen bubbles form in the blood and tissues. This rapid ascent was exactly what started happening: as the boat continued to move toward the coastline they were completely unaware they had “caught” and were “trolling” a scuba diver in their propeller. Robert was reeling upwards at a dangerously high speed.

Suddenly, Robert – à la Indiana Jones – pulled out a knife that he had strapped to his knee and starting furiously hacking at the rope.

“As I looked back at him, I could see his arm – it looked like an electric saw he was cutting so fast. He looked like a rag doll floating to the surface and would have been sucked into the propellers and dragged all the way back to Cancun with the tour boat had he not cut himself loose.”

“It was one of those odd moments in life when you instantaneously realize you could lose your partner under the most ridiculous of circumstances. It was terrifying. And ludicrously funny at the same time watching him hammer-saw his way through the tow line,” DeeDee said.

Scary. Terrifying. Yet funny. This was the mix of emotions DeeDee felt in a flash when she looked at her husband. When she saw him emerge to the surface unharmed, she breathed an enormous sigh of relief. And couldn’t help but laugh … in relief.

It has been experiences like these that have bonded them. As well as many more that DeeDee has etched into her memory creating the enduring fabric, the intricate texture which makes up their marriage.

When asked what quality drives her crazy about Robert, DeeDee said that Robert says whatever is on his mind at any given time and is painfully honest. And that though well-meaning, it would appear that he has “no regard for offending people, including her.” Such as the time she got a new haircut that she was so proud of, only to hear him say, “Dee what in God’s name did you do to your hair? That looks horrific. You need to get some glue and glue it back on.”

Or the time, he was giving a tribute speech for one of his peers, and began the speech, “One of Jim’s all-time stupidest mistakes in surgery...”. The audience thought he was being funny and laughed at the entire speech. But DeeDee knew different. He was being honest and was recounting an experience that was of admittedly poor judgment and horrifically embarrassing to the man. Somehow Robert muddled through the speech, and what was supposed to be a poignant speech was seen as a comedic recount. No harm was done, but DeeDee sat there breathless with anxiety through the entire thing knowing Robert didn’t intend at all to hurt the man’s feelings.

“Sometimes, I find myself in groups trying to elbow him in the side,” she said.

But this honesty, this self-confidence and fearlessness are what make him so endearing, she said.

When asked about her favorite quality that Robert possesses, she said, “there are so many. But probably his generosity in all things. His generous spirit not just financially, but also emotionally.” One time DeeDee told Addie her budget for the wedding was $2,000. “I tend to be more pragmatic,” she said. Addie came home in tears to share her struggle of attempting to coordinate an entire wedding for 250 people on such a meager allowance. Robert wrote a check on the spot and handed it to her, saying “would this help?” Addie smiled and quipped, “Yes!” DeeDee continued, “Later I asked Robert how much the check had been for and he off-handedly said ‘uh I don’t know $20,000 or something.’ I was livid. Furious. And bemused. And felt for him the same things I did years prior, all over again. A rush of love for someone so generous, whether to a stranger, his own family, or someone he has bequeathed something to who never knew his benefactor. Frustrating. But also rewarding.”

On another occasion, DeeDee, her daughter, and DeeDee’s sister went on a cruise. When they returned, they had a big surprise: balloons floating about and signs welcoming them home which said, “We missed you.” All this adulation and adoration in addition to a spotlessly clean home.

“He’s just very unique in how generous and thoughtful he is,” she said.

She said she would guess that the quality that he might say he valued most in her was her stability and steadfastness. “If I had to guess, I think this is what he would say.”

Upon reflection, DeeDee said that when they were married, they were “young, emotional and volatile.”

“We had verbal skirmishes. We were always making up,” she said. “I find it all very amusing now.”

These are the examples of marital happiness, contentment and fulfillment that we can all learn from, singles and married alike. Couples who give hope and inspiration to singles seeking their own “DeeDee” or “Robert,” their own most compatible partner at TRUE.

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